So while I have it stuck in my head that I don't really want to be with my ex I am still completely obsessed with what he may be doing. Is he over me? Has he slept with someone else? Is he happy I dumped him? Is this easier for him then it is for me? As a result of this obsession I have taken to checking his Facebook and e-mail (since he previously entrusted me with the login and passwords). I know that anything I find will probably hurt me, but I just can't help it! And I know it's wrong to do, but people do it all the time! And I know it's really low and immature, but I can't help it!
So I checked....
And I was hurt...
I checked his e-mail only to find he had responded to requests for "casual encounters" on craigslist last night. What a scumbag! Has he been doing this all along? While we were together? Or am I just a prude?! I can't imagine just randomly hooking up with people via craigslist! The only saving grace of this experience was that after he sent the girl a picture she stopped pursuing him. He then desperately tried to tell her he looked better in person, which he doesn't! She never responded to his deperate pleas for casual sex.
How is it so easy for him to get back on the horse?!?! Is it just because I'm female and sex goes beyond a physical relationship for me? Or was he over our relationship before it was really over?
Whatever it is I have to get over it. I can't let myself get sucked into being with him again... or his new possible STDs!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
How It All Started...
I'm starting this blog to help people! Really! I've recently found myself wallowing in the fact that I'm alone and depressed and suddenly realized that I can't be the only one feeling this way! Can I? By writing this I'm helping myself get out all my crazy thoughts out of my head and help other people realize there are lots of people feeling just as alone as you are... It all started this past Christmas. I had been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and living with him for 1 1/2 when suddenly, out of no where he dumped me 3 days before Christmas! I felt like my heart had been completely ripped out of my chest and stomped on repeatedly. This fell on top of the fact that this past Easter my Dad got engaged and his new family decided to hate me so he stopped talking to me. To put it mildly I was feeling completely abandoned, unloved, and anti-holiday!
So... I moved out of our shared apartment and back in with Mom (being that I'm 24 and have been living alone for 6 years this was a major leap backwards). After weeks of wallowing in self-pity I decided I needed some resolution. My now ex-boyfriend had given me no reason for the breakup, just that he felt that he didn't make me happy anymore (bullshit!). I decided to write an email asking for the truth, no matter how dirty and hurtful. The response I received was that he didn't know why he did it other then he was feeling overwhelmed with everything in life and had started pushing everyone away, including me. This email was followed by numerous text messages from him asking to get back together. Stupidly I said yes! I had never felt like we would be together forever, but I didn't think I would've been the one to be dumped. BUT, I also didn't want to be alone. So we tried it again. This time tho we weren't living together so we barely saw each other and he didn't want to be around my family because of how awkward it would be. So we were back together, except in front of friends and family. Sounds normal right?!?!
After months and months of this dysfunctional relationship life was becoming a little more then strained. To make matters worse this past week I started moving into a new apartment so life has been hectic! One night my "boyfriend" and I went out and had a completely miserable time! I had such a great day and then when I saw him he was miserable and made me miserable. I suddenly realized, THIS ISN'T NORMAL! I'm 24 years old. I should be in a fun, sexy, exciting relationship. Not miserable and hiding my relationship from my Mom and family I'm so close to. So he drove me home, we sat in his car, and I blurted out, "I can't do this anymore!"
That night I felt like my heart had been ripped out again. How is that possible? I was the one doing the dumping this time. I knew in my head that I didn't want to be with my forever. I knew I could do better. For some reason tho I was still devastated! To make matters worse, I was alone again, but this time I was alone sitting in a giant empty apartment! Awesome... NOT!
So now I'm trying to repeat over and over that this is what I wanted and I'm going to be ok, but I still can't get rid of this little whisper begging for him to call me or stop by the apartment. GET OUT OF MY HEAD LITTLE WHISPER!!!!!
So... I moved out of our shared apartment and back in with Mom (being that I'm 24 and have been living alone for 6 years this was a major leap backwards). After weeks of wallowing in self-pity I decided I needed some resolution. My now ex-boyfriend had given me no reason for the breakup, just that he felt that he didn't make me happy anymore (bullshit!). I decided to write an email asking for the truth, no matter how dirty and hurtful. The response I received was that he didn't know why he did it other then he was feeling overwhelmed with everything in life and had started pushing everyone away, including me. This email was followed by numerous text messages from him asking to get back together. Stupidly I said yes! I had never felt like we would be together forever, but I didn't think I would've been the one to be dumped. BUT, I also didn't want to be alone. So we tried it again. This time tho we weren't living together so we barely saw each other and he didn't want to be around my family because of how awkward it would be. So we were back together, except in front of friends and family. Sounds normal right?!?!
After months and months of this dysfunctional relationship life was becoming a little more then strained. To make matters worse this past week I started moving into a new apartment so life has been hectic! One night my "boyfriend" and I went out and had a completely miserable time! I had such a great day and then when I saw him he was miserable and made me miserable. I suddenly realized, THIS ISN'T NORMAL! I'm 24 years old. I should be in a fun, sexy, exciting relationship. Not miserable and hiding my relationship from my Mom and family I'm so close to. So he drove me home, we sat in his car, and I blurted out, "I can't do this anymore!"
That night I felt like my heart had been ripped out again. How is that possible? I was the one doing the dumping this time. I knew in my head that I didn't want to be with my forever. I knew I could do better. For some reason tho I was still devastated! To make matters worse, I was alone again, but this time I was alone sitting in a giant empty apartment! Awesome... NOT!
So now I'm trying to repeat over and over that this is what I wanted and I'm going to be ok, but I still can't get rid of this little whisper begging for him to call me or stop by the apartment. GET OUT OF MY HEAD LITTLE WHISPER!!!!!
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